When A Relationship Ends….
There is an assumption when you fall in love with someone you will stay with them forever. When a relationship ends it can be devastating. When things end in life, there is always sadness, hurt and feelings of regret.
However, for every beginning there comes an end. As we grow up we change from being an infant, to a toddler, to an adolescent and to an adult. With each new change we created an ending to the previous phase.
Relationships change and grow through different stages too. They change from attraction, to honeymoon period, to conflict and arguing, resolution and endings.
I see many couples for marriage counselling looking for answers why they’re going through tough times or why their relationship has come to an end.
When A Relationships Ends Sometimes The Answers Can Be Quite Logical:
- Time management
- Wrong Order of Priorities
- Lack of intimacy
- Communication issues
- Financial pressure
- Parenting styles
- Conflict with step children
- Loss of Attraction
The Relationship Ends Because Its Reached It’s Expiry Date.
When a relationship ends it doesn’t mean someone has to be the bad guy. People change and people drift apart. The truth is sometimes there is no-one to blame and no one to point the finger at.
What Makes It Harder To Accept:
When there is no particular reason for a breakup it’s usually harder to accept and process. If nothing “big” has happened why should we break up?
You start to think of other couples you know who are always fighting, have money issues, addictions or have even had affairs and “they’re still together”. It doesn’t seem right and it doesn’t seem fair.
People need something or someone to blame to justify why the relationship ended and why they are feeling the way they do. They’ll over-analyse the whole relationship looking for signs they must have missed along the way.
People need to be able to say, “We broke up because of THIS”. It gives people closure. And closure gives people relief.
If you don’t have closure you can drive yourself crazy trying to get it. You can look back, you can assume, you can use your imagination but no matter how hard you look you can’t find one specific thing that caused the relationship to end. Sometimes it can be lots of little “nothings” that ends up being a big something.
This Leads You To 2 Choices:
1. Accept the reality so you can work through it
2. Deny the situation and hold onto something that isn’t there anymore.
You can beg, plead, bargain and negotiate, but you know what? The truth is by the time you find out the relationship is over, your partner really left the relationship a long time ago.
When there is no specific reason for leaving you, it means your partner has been scoring and holding onto things that have happened throughout your relationship.
Instead of resolving things or talking about things, they have held on to so many things that they have become numb. They don’t have the feelings for you like they once had.
That’s why, when you’re bargaining and pleading, you know and you can tell, they’re not interested anymore. This is really hurtful. You will see your partner has a sense of relief once they have given you the news that it’s over. They almost seem happy and stress free.
This can really piss you off because you’re feeling devastated and heart broken. What you need to understand is, the way you are feeling now is called grief. Your partner has been grieving while they were in the relationship for a long time but you didn’t notice.
In fact, they are probably at least 12 months – 2 years in front of you in the grief process. The sooner you accept the fact the relationship is over, the sooner you can grieve, heal and move on. It takes two to make a relationship work.
No matter how much you change, or cry, or beg for a second chance, remember you can’t keep the relationship going for both of you. Both of you need to want to make it work and put the effort in.
I’m a romantic and I love to see couples stay together (under the right circumstances). Relationships can change and become awesome again. You need to have the right tools, the motivation and the desire to love each other again.
If you need some help just click here to book a marriage counselling session, I’d love to help.