Learning How to Fight Fair
Some people believe if you fight in your relationship it means you don’t get along with each other and you’ll more than likely break-up.
Others believe fighting is good for a relationship because people have their own opinion’s and they’re passionate about things.
I believe couples will fight regardless if it’s good for a relationship or not. The important thing isn’t if you’re fighting, it’s if you guys are resolving the arguments.
Most Couples Don’t Know How To:
- Ask or get what they want
- Communicate effectively
- Negotiate with their partners
Fighting for the sake of fighting is a really shitty way to communicate in your relationship.
Sometimes people get so used to fighting, they don’t even realize they’re doing it. Fighting just seems normal to them.
It's how You're Fighting That Causes The Problem
When people fight because they need to be right it gets nasty. It’s exhausting and there is no end to it.
When couples don’t know how to fight fair they end up trying to stop the argument as quickly as they can.
It gets intense with name-calling, bullying, threatening, bringing up past issues, bringing up family members or old hurts and sometimes blackmailing. None of these are good resolution skills.
You need to be really careful what you say to your partner. Words can cut deep and create feelings of hurt that never truly heal.
They become scars that are never forgotten. Scars are a reminder that you’re vulnerable to being hurt again.
You need to keep in mind you’re fighting with someone you love and who you’ve chosen to be your “person”.
Fighting can result in losing trust, respect and the love you have in a relationship and towards your partner and vice versa.
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How are you Fighting With Your Partner?
- How low are you willing to go to be right?
- How dirty are you willing to play to get the upper hand in an argument?
- What price are you willing to pay to be right?
Why Do Couples Fight?
Firstly, it’s important to understand fighting with your partner is natural. You’re not going to get along with someone 100% of the time because we are all different. We think, feel and act differently from each other.
We have different beliefs and different things we value in life. The problem is we expect our partners to have the same perspective, beliefs, and values that we do.
That’s when arguments start. We find it really hard to accept that our partner doesn’t see things the way we do.
Triggers to Conflict Can Include:
- Bad moods
- Work or business pressures and deadlines
- Lack of sex and intimacy
- Financial stress
- Different goals and priorities
- Feeling rejected and lonely
- Time pressures and being over committed to other things
- Inlaws - Relatives or friends
- Addicitons - too much drinking, gambling, porn
- Pain, injury or illness
- Lack of communication
- Unresolved issues from the past
#1 Secret to Fighting Fair
If you’re fighting fair it means your being respectful to your partner and focusing on the issue instead of trying to win or putting your partner down.
The good news is you don’t need to leave fighting fair to chance.
You don’t need to hope that arguing and fighting in your relationship will get better. If your relationship needs help then you need to create some Ground Rules for Fighting Fair.
The secret to fighting fair is having Ground Rules in place. Ground Rules remind couples to focus on the issue at hand and not on their partner.
Ground rules spell out what you can and cannot do when you’re fighting according to your partner’s needs. You don’t have to hurt your partner to win an argument.
In fact, the less you say the better the outcome will be because it gives you the chance to listen instead of reacting.
The more you listen the more you’ll learn. When you learn you can understand more and with understanding comes compassion and empathy.
Compassion and empathy are the skills you need to have during an argument so you can resolve it and keep love intact.
Ground rules help you to be respectful of each other’s feelings. They also provide the boundaries you know not to cross.
Here are some ground rules for: fighting fair
9 Ground Rules To Fighting Fair
- No swearing
- No raising your voice
- No arguing in public keep it private
- No discussing personal issues with people outside the relationship
- No name-calling
- Don’t bring up the past
- Don’t bring up family or other people
- Stay focused on resolving the conflict - speak only facts not emotions or assumptions
The above rules are just a few examples of what some couples have used in counselling sessions.
Couples with ground rules reap the reward of being able to argue without hurting each other and without making the argument worse.
The best thing is, they can actually listen to each other’s points of view and gain trust in each other so they can resolve issues in the future.
Consider the Ground Rules you’d like to implement in your relationship so you can Fight Fair too. Make a list of Ground Rules you both agree on.
Make a decision and an agreement to abide by the Ground Rules for the good of the relationship and out of respect for each other.
Conclusion
Fighting in a relationship is inevitable so the best thing you can do is make sure you know how to fight fairly and learn how to get a resolution.
If you don’t resolve arguments they just keep coming back up. You’ll find yourself fighting over the same thing, over and over again.
It’s frustrating and it’s useless. People start to switch off because it’s the same old shit.
Learning how to fight fair is the difference between having a loving, respectful relationship or a volatile, dysfunctional relationship.
If you need some help to resolve conflicts you can click here to book an appointment. Or you can check out the Building A Better Relationship Workbook below that will help you build a better connection and improve your communication
