Assertive Anger Management

Assertive Anger Management

What is Assertive Anger?

Assertive Anger Management is a communication tool used to resolve conflicts in a way that is productive and respectful to everyone concerned.  It means you’re openly and honestly talking about the situation that has caused disharmony without intentionally hurting other peoples feelings.

Assertiveness means you have a voice and you will use it to stand up for what’s right. You value your feelings and opinions as well as valuing others. Assertiveness means you are approachable and open to discussion and resolution.

Assertive anger is the middle ground when it comes to anger.

There Are 4 Types of Anger Management Responses

Assertive Anger Management

Aggressive anger can get out of control and causes more problems for everyone involved. It can get violent and nasty.

Passive Aggressive anger is when a person is angry but they won’t tell anyone about it. They hint they are angry instead by their body language, short responses in communication or withdrawing from people.

A person with assertive anger is looking for win/win solutions for all people concerned. They want to get rid of their anger towards someone not make it worse. The assertive person has the ability to be kind and respectful of the other person’s wishes as well as with their own.

Assertive anger is calm and respectful. The assertive person doesn’t need to cause an argument or be violent. They just needed to say how they are feeling so that they can resolve the issue or conflict they have with the other person.

This is why assertive anger takes the middle ground. Being assertive means you are able to express how you feel and why you feel that way. You are also interested in how other people feel and what they want as a result of any conflict resolution.

Passive Anger is when a person avoids any type of conflict. They show no reaction at all. They agree with everyone and don’t voice their opinion or stand up for what they believe in. 

Assertive Anger Traits:

  • Confidence
  • Self-respect
  • Respectful of others
  • Polite
  • Straight forward and to-the-point
  • Responsible
  • Mature
  • Kind
  • Stands up for themselves

Assertive Anger includes:

  • Softer or lower tone of voice
  • The use of hand gestures
  • Direct eye contact when talking and listening
  • Relaxed posture
  • Talking and asking questions

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Having any kind of anger is not a good response to situations in life. However, as human beings we are going to feel every emotion available.  It depends which emotions you are able to control and which emotions cause deeper issues.

Anger has a negative impact on relationships. This is why assertive anger is the best response because it means you can be yourself within your relationship.  You can be honest and open with how you feel and actively look for solutions where both people feel they have reached an equitable solution.

Once the solution has been reached both people feel heard, understood and respected which are key goals for any relationship. Getting through conflicts being able to trust your partner so you can tell them anything is rare.

Without assertive skills people tend to either explode and become aggressive towards getting what they want (aggressive anger). 

Or they pretend like it never happened (passive-aggressive anger) but they don’t forget, they just hint at things as a remind something isn’t quite right. 

Or they stop being honest about their wants and needs by avoiding conversations and topics (passive anger).

assertive anger management skills

The assertive anger management skill isn’t about manipulation or convincing someone else to give you what you want.  It’s about being in control of your emotions and knowing that you have choices in how you want to react.

Assertive anger doesn’t use power to get others to give in neither do they feel they need to give in to others. It’s about listening with the intention to understand the other persons point of view and then making your own decision.

When you are the person being assertive sometimes it feels like you are being the parent or the teacher as you try to get others to calm down and talk about what’s going on. You might need to ask them to lower their voice or to come up with a solution.

When assertive people are not being heard or respected it’s easy for things to escalate to aggressive anger as you need to get louder in order to be heard.  As with any emotion you need to exercise control and know when to walk away and take a break before a resolution can be reached.

Being assertive takes a lot of patience and practice. You need to think things through without automatically reacting to situations in the moment. Assertiveness is a learned skill that comes with many benefits.


Benefits Of Assertive Anger:

  • Reduces conflictsAllows for a win/win resolution
  • It’s solution-focused
  • It allows you to listen to understand people rather than listening to respond
  • Promotes self-respect as well as respect for others
  • You can express how you feel without hurting others
  • When you are expressing how you feel honestly you reduce the need to build up excessive emotions of anxiety, anger, and frustration
  • It places you in a position of control and accountability for your own actions

Conclusion on Anger Management

Anger management is worth investing your time and attention in so you can reduce conflicts and work towards solutions.  It will improve your self-esteem, your relationships, your associations with people in the work environment and will help you work towards what you want in life.

If you struggle to manage your anger is can have huge implications especially when Police are called to a scene and you find yourself faces charges in court. It can lead to toxic relationships and loss of jobs. So it is an important communication skill to have in your tool box.

If you would like to learn more about anger management checkout the Anger Management Program by clicking here.

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Mirella DeBoni

I’m Mirella DeBoni! Living in the Whitsundays, with my husband and 3 children you'll find me with a cappuccino in hand, surrounded by cats & armed with cute stationery (too good to write on!) I'm here to help you on your personal and professional journey to greatness. Qualified in Counselling, Clinical Hypnotherapy, NLP Training, Business Coaching and Best Selling Author.

Mirella DeBoni
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I'm Mirella

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