Relationship Deal Breakers
I’m sorry to say that not every problem in a relationship can be fixed. Recognizing which issues are actual problems that can be resolved with good communication skills or counselling compared to a situation we call a deal breaker can help you determine the type of action you should take.
The most common issues that couples tend to fight about are money, sex, kids, family and friends, and spare time. These are everyday topics and it doesn’t mean your relationship will breakup because they surface.
They mostly that can be fixed when you develop good communication skills. If you are motivated to make the relationship work, you’ll find ways to compromise too.
There is a difference between a relationship issue and a deal breaker. Everyone has their own list of deal breakers and what they are willing to put up with.
7 Top Relationship Deal Breakers
- Values
- Communication
- Sexual Imbalance
- Cheating
- Jealousy
- Abuse
- Addictions
Different Values
Values are your beliefs that motivate you towards and away from things in life. They help us determine what is most important in our life and the personal qualities we chose to adopt that shape our behaviour, actions and attitudes.
Values are the motivation behind our actions and guide us towards what is right and away from what is wrong.
If you have different values from your partner it will cause conflict in the direction of your lives together, what your goals are, what you are working towards, how you treat each other and so many other things.
Because your values determine what you’re willing to put your time, money and attention to it will cause a divide if you are not on the same page.
Values are not something someone can talk you into or out of. If they are not the same or similar it can be a deal breaker.
Communication in Relationships
When you’re in a longterm relationship the chances of arguments occurring are pretty high. Having arguments isn’t a bad thing as long as the arguments are resolved. If an argument isn’t resolved it keeps coming back up.
It’s a shitty cycle and can quite easily become the normal way you communicate – through arguing, bickering and taking small jabs at each other.
Arguments occur because real communication has stopped and people start assuming what they know, distorting details, omitting details or coming up with false conclusions.
If during an argument your partner:
- Brings up the past
- Says hurtful personal things
- Gives you the silent treatment
- Gets verbally or physically abusive
- Gaslights you
Then you either need to learn ground rules on how to fight fair and resolve arguments or you may end up walking away. Constant fighting takes its toll on your mental health and wellbeing.
That’s why being able to communicate, talk openly and honestly is essential to the health of your relationship. It builds empathy, understanding and creates a deeper connection between you as a couple.
Sexual Imbalance
It’s common for couple to have a difference in their sex drive. Basically some people just want it more than others. In marriage counselling sessions this topic comes up in 99% of couples. They want to know how much sex and intimacy is normal.
One person feels ripped off because they aren’t getting enough sex. The other person feels like they are on a timetable. They know they can get away with not doing it for a while but then they have to throw their partner a bone so they don’t lose their shit for not putting out.
The person with the higher drive wants sex naturally. They are hard wired that way. The partner who has the low sex drive doesn’t have any internal cues that tell them “I want sex.” That means they have to manufacture those feelings.
They have to put themselves in that mindset and generate the mood for sex by being very conscious about it. It’s exhausting for them and they may even feel resentful for having to do it to keep the peace.
Like I said, it breeds resentment from one partner while the other person feels unloved, unwanted and rejected. Talk about a recipe for disaster.
This is why sexual imbalance becomes a deal breaker. The needs are different. Both people are right in how they feel. Unless the couple can comprise and find a balance they are happy with the conflict will continue to arise.
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Cheating
Cheating is a serious problem. It’s betrayal and weakens the couple’s sexual and emotional bonds. Many relationships don’t survive this.
A relationship depends on the assumption that your partner is an honest, loyal and trustworthy person. Cheating demonstrates the opposite. Once infidelity has happened, it throws the relationship off.
The faithful partner may feel like they can ever trust their partner again. They put his or her own needs first and destroyed the trust in the relationship.
Cheating can be sexual but if your partner has had an emotional affair is just as devastating. The pain and hurt that is caused can be irreparable for many.
Some couples do get through this and come out stronger for it. The person who cheated must take responsibility for his or her transgression and the pain it caused.
The person who was cheated on needs to be able to express their feelings including hurt, anger, resentment, embarrassment, humiliation, betrayal, and low self-esteem. Again, this is why communication is essential.
Jealousy
A jealous person is chronically suspicious that their partner is cheating on them or taking attention away from him or her and giving it to someone else instead.
A jealous person watches every move their partner makes looking for a sign that they’re cheating. While it may be rational if their partner is or has cheated, when they aren’t breaking any promise then the jealousy is irrational.
Often the jealous partner thinks their intense feelings are a sign of love. But jealousy is not love. It is a longterm chronic problem that is fueled by low self-esteem. It leads to a possessive and controlling relationship.
Jealousy damages the trust in a relationship. The jealous person is accusing his or her partner of lying and cheating. Instead of being emotionally supportive of their partner, the jealous person is being critical and accusatory.
In turn it makes their partner tell them less to avoid all the questioning and accusations which further destroys the relationship. The partner ends up walking on eggshells or withdrawing from people and invitations to avoid creating further jealousy in the partner.
There are 4 types of jealousy in a relationship you can learn about here.
Abuse
There is not much I need to explain here is there. If your partner is physically abusive. Get.Out.Now. For your own safety and if you have children then you owe it to them to be safe.
People convince themselves that just because it happens once doesn’t mean it will happen again. Violence does not occur just once.
Remember, you deserve a healthy relationship, and someone. Abuse comes in different forms. Psychological Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Physical Abuse, Emotional Abuse. None of these are acceptable. None of these behaviours make for a loving, respectful relationship.
Addictions
Addictions are not something that are easily controlled. Examples of addictions include alcoholism, drug use, or chronic gambling. When the spouse who is addicted accepts responsibility and seeks help, they can have a happy, healthy relationship.
Because addiction cannot be cured, only controlled, they need to continue to get the help needed to maintain abstinence.
Keep in mind that addiction is usually accompanied by denial. The addict denies having a problem, they don’t get the treatment they need until they hit bottom. And that means you’re going down with them in most cases.
Substance abuse is one of the biggest relationship deal breakers on this list. It changes who they are and how they treat you. They make poor decisions that will hurt you, them and your future and there will always be the fall back excuse “it was the addiction.”
Don’t smother them with love and pretend it will get better. Addictions are not designed to get better. They get worse.
Your partner needs to help to get through it and manage it. Even if they get help it doesn’t mean they are perfect and they won’t slip up. You have to decide what you want your life to look like and how they fit into it. Or if they don’t.
Conclusion
Unfortunately, there are some problems that have no easy fixes. No matter how much you try, you won’t find a solution unless someone or something changes dramatically.
For someone to change dramatically you’re asking someone to consider their identity, who they are as a person. Identity doesn’t change unless a persons habits change. And I mean changing their habits consistently to create a new identity.
For example if someone is controlling and you want them to stop that behaviour they have to reprogram their mind to be trusting – all of a sudden and because you’re asking them to.
Asking someone to change – not matter what that change is – even if that change is for everyones good, doesn’t make it easy for the person to do it. This is why people give in. They ask someone to change. The other person will “try” for a day or 2.
This gives the other person hope. Then they go back to normal and the change stops. The person who asked for the change has weakened and stays anyway. Why? Because they know their partner has the capacity to be a better person and they’ve now experienced it.
That tiny bit of hope is enough to keep them in this cycle called “Intermittent Reinforcement.” Where every now and then you get a glimmer of the person you know they can be and it’s enough to keep you going until that next experience.
If your partner refuses to compromise on most issues, you have to decide whether you are willing to live on his or her terms. Doing so, generally, is not healthy. If you’re the one always giving in, your partner is controlling you.
You may have a naturally accepting nature, but your partner is taking advantage of it and taking you for granted. Talk about settling for less than you deserve. Don’t settle. You deserve more.
