A woman getting angry

How To Get Over Your Anger

If you are human then chances are you have experience anger and probably more times than you care to remember or at acknowledge. Let’s face it; anger doesn’t usually bring out the best in us.  In fact, anger can bring out a side in us that is ugly and even scary at times. Especially when we feel our back is up against the wall we are going to fight back and that’s when we lose our shit.

When we get angry we say things to hurt people, we do things to hurt people and in that moment we feel bulletproof. But once we come down from that anger we find that we are not so invincible.  The power and the rush and the adrenalin fade and all that’s left is the mess that we need to clean up. Some of us will find a way to clean it up and others will avoid the situation and the people involved mostly out of pride or shame.

You see, anger says more about you than it does about other people.  You can choose how you respond when the world doesn’t treat you the way you want it to. You have just as much choice about how you express your anger as to anything else in life. You also have a choice about how much of yesterdays anger you carry into the future and how much anger you are likely to experience tomorrow.

No one is exempt from feeling anger because it is a human emotion. Maybe someone has pressed your buttons and evoked a situation from the past in which you have not dealt with. Maybe anger presents itself when you are feeling inadequate, feeling lonely or lost, or when you felt that you missed out on something that had real meaning or value to you.

Anger is a secondary emotion, which means there is something else underneath that’s causing you to feel anger with more intensity than you usually would feel. The best way to approach these questions is to journal or write out your answers.That means it’s there in front of you in black and white and you can assess for yourself if you need any help with how to react to situations.


The 7 Questions You Must Answer So that you can let go of anger:


1. What was the situation?

Write down what actually happened – just the facts.

2. How did you respond?

Write down exactly what you said or did in this situation.

3. What was your emotional state?

How would you describe your emotional state was it anger, annoyed, irritated, upset?

4. Rate the intensity of your emotion on a scale of 1-10 (10 being high)

On a scale of one to 10 how extreme were you feeling?

5. Was your reaction appropriate?

This is the time for 100% honesty.  You see, feelings can become a habit.  And that means you can react automatically at any given moment.  The problem is when we start to react by habit we tend to react with the same intensity.  In other words we can easily overreact because we have trained ourselves to feel anger at a certain intensity.

6. What did your reaction cost you?

As a Counsellor when I ask questions about client’s behaviour they don’t realise what their actions have cost them because they are coming from a place of “pride”.  With anger comes a sense of winning.  The problem is you may have won in that moment but in the long term your anger will cost you something and that could be your marriage, relationship or connection with your children or staff.

7. Did it cause any difficulties in other areas of your life?

When issues arise in one area of your life it is easily filtered through to many other areas including your health, your work or business, your finances, your relationships.

It is not the emotion that is the problem it is the way we deal with the emotions that causes consequences, side effects and secondary issues. What’s most important to learn here is not so much about how to stop anger from occurring, because as long as you live and breathe there will likely to be situations in your life that can cause you to feel the emotion of anger.

What you need to focus on is how to detach from the emotion long enough to learn from the situation. It’s the learning that will allow the anger to change or disappear completely. It is the learning from the situation that will allow you to change your perspective, your thoughts, your attitude, your approach, your behaviour and ultimately your outcome.

I have seen anger issues be the catalyst for marriages ending, children leaving home way too early, health issues, people losing their job or losing staff in their business.

Counselling can help with anger management issues by talking through situations and learning new ways of dealing with your emotions. Clinical hypnotherapy is what I recommend for anger management because it will help you retrain your unconscious mind to behave automatically in a more appropriate way by mind rehearsal, visualisation and re-programming your mind.

If you need help with anger management book an appointment online when you’re ready. 

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Mirella DeBoni

Relationship Counselling Specialist, Clinical Hypnotherapist, #1 International Best Selling Author

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