Benefits When You Apologise
There are many benefits to your relationship when you can apologise and acknowledge you’re upset your partner. But let’s be real here. There is an art to a good apology.
I’m sure you’ve apologised to someone in the past and it didn’t go as you expected. As it comes as such a shock. You say you’re sorry and they don’t give a shit. What??
Let me help you with this.
In this blog I'm going to talk about 3 things specifically:
- 4 Ways to Apologise to your partner
- Tips to make your apology heartfelt
- Forgiveness (this about you - not anyone else so bare with me on that one ok)
Benefits of When You Apologise to Your Partner:
- It opens the doors of communication.
- It gives you the chance to express your feelings. It helps rebuild trust in the relationship.
- Let's your partner know you acknowledge what you've said or done and how it effected them.
- It shows your Partner that you value their feelings and are not proud of hurting them.
- It shows your Partner that you value their feelings and are not proud of hurting them.
4 Ways to Apologise to Your Partner
Say it
You can simply say it by choosing your words carefully. When you say it, you have to aware of your tone of voice, the words you say and the sincerity of it.
Remember the person you’re apologising to is already highly sensitive and they’ll pick up on even a hint of insincerity.
Buy Them A Gift
You can show them by giving them a gift.
Now wait. This is not a bribe. It’s not about buying your way out of the shit that’s happened either. Buying your partner a gift to show that you’re sorry just means you’re being thoughtful.
Especially if this is one of the ways your partner likes you to show them love. In other words if gifts is a love language for your partner then it makes sense to get them a gift when you’re trying to make a heartfelt connection.
Some people will buy wine, beer, flowers, chocolates or other small gifts to show they care. If the gift is personal, not expensive, it will show your heartfelt sincerity.
Show it
You can write a note and explain where you were coming from, what you now understand about the situation and how you would do it differently in the future. This is really important when “saying it” is not enough.
When words are not enough it’s usually because the other person wants to know exactly why you are sorry. So, you need to write all the details but focus on the apology not a list of excuses. In other words, describe why you’re sorry.
This is a good communication tool because you can take your time with it. Choose the right words and express yourself without being interrupted.
And no you don’t need to be a good writer. Your partner only cares about your words and what they mean. It doesn’t need to be an essay. The rule of thumb for any type of writing is to write as much as little as you need to get the message across.
And preferably write it on a piece of paper. Don’t send it on a text. Why? Because people get emotional over texts.
Texts are sent at anytime of the day or night regardless if it’s a “good time” to talk. So write it on paper. Give it to them at a time when they are not busy.
Let them Feel it
You can use affection to show that you are sorry, a hug, a kiss, an arm around their shoulder. Warning! I would be careful of the timing of this one because when someone is hurt sometimes the last thing they want is to be touched. So, make sure you do this if your partner likes affection.
Touch is personal. It elicits feelings as a response. You want your touch to be meaningful and not about sex. Obviously if it leads to that, awesome – you jut got your moneys worth : )
The point is sometimes things get over-discussed. There’s no answer the situation but it doesn’t mean you’re not sorry that it happened. This is when touch or affection can bridge that communication gap.
6 Tips To get The Most out of Your Apology
Choose Your Timing
Here’s what I think: The perfect moment to apologise is the moment you realise you’ve done something wrong. The sooner you offer an apology, the quicker the healing can begin.
If you can, do it the same day. You could always initiate an apology via text, email, or phone and then follow up in person later or the next day. Don’t have the discussion as your partner is busy or in front of others
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Body Language
A sincere apology requires the right words and body language with relaxed posture, eye contact – look into their eyes, touch them affectionately, and your facial expression should be remorseful.
Body language is also the best way to rebuild rapport and the connection with your partner. You can learn more about that in this post: 8 Way to Build A Deeper Connection With Your Partner.
Be specific and offer an explanation
If you are truly regretful, be clear about what you are sorry for so your partner understands that you know what you did. This restores faith that you won’t react the same in the future because you know what needs to change.
It kind of goes back to the ground rules of fighting fair and being respectful You. can learn more about that in the post 8 Ground Rules For Fighting Fair in Your Relationship.
Don't take it back!
Sometimes people get nervous and they keep talking. I mean really talking to the point they use so many words that the message gets lost or they’ve said sorry and somehow took it back.
So, say it and mean it. Don’t say sorry but….. that just means you are justifying why you were an arse or why they deserved it.
Keep to the point. You’re sorry, why you were sorry, how it make your partner feel and that you won’t do it again.
Don't do it again
Hopefully this one goes without saying but….
Whatever you did, if you really mean that you’re sorry, don’t do it again. There is no better apology than changed behaviour. If you say sorry and keep doing what you did that a definition of a toxic relationship.
Give An Action Plan For The Future
After you sincerely apologise, you need to tell your mate how you will change (or are changing) and what you will do in the future. eg. I promise I won’t call you names in the future. Put your money where your mouth is an make a commitment of change. And yes – STICK TO IT.
Conclusion
If you are someone who can say sorry just as easily as “pass the salt” chances are you will not be taken seriously.
That means you need to cut back and say it when it is necessary. You have to have done something in order to be sorry about it otherwise you are just looking for reassurance and there are better ways to get that kind of attention.
When you apologise, you should feel good about yourself. It is a demonstration of your love and commitment. You are taking action to resolve an issue and you are taking care of your partners needs.
I suggest talking this through with your partner and decide which way works best for each of you because everyone is different. Let’s take out the mind games and simply say, “this is what I need from you if we have an argument about something, I need you to…….”
In essence, you need to choose your arguments, ask yourself what’s it really worth, what’s it really costing you to be right and do you really need to hurt your partner because you’re hurting?
If you need some help with your relationship click here to make an appointment. If you’re a DIY kinda person you can checkout the Building A Better Relationship Workbook below.
