11 Reasons Why Couples Don’t Have Sex - PART TWO
This blog is a continuation of the blog: 11 Reasons Why Couples Don’t Have Sex. If you haven’t read that one first just click the title to read it now. Then you can come back to finish the blog here.
There was too much information to post it in one go.
So, let’s get back to the topic of why couples don’t have sex in a relationship.
7. I don't feel good about my body anymore
Staying in good shape is always going to boost both your self-confidence mentally and your willingness to have physical contact with your partner. In some relationships lack of physical contact is really noticeable if one partner feels “fat”, “unattractive” or “undesirable” because of their weight.
Losing weight is good for your own health, fitness and energy levels. If you feel overweight or out of shape you can start doing something about that today.
You’re not going to regret taking care of yourself. When you feel good there’s a ripple effect that spreads through to your relationship. This issue is 100% in your control. Just get started.
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8. Low sex drive
There are a variety of medical and psychological factors that can decrease sexual drive, performance and enjoyment. For many couples this is a never discussed topic but one that certainly should be addressed within the relationship.
It is estimated that approximately 35% of men between the ages of 40 and 70 have moderate to severe problems with impotency, also known as erectile dysfunction or ED.
An additional 15% have mild forms of ED that cause feelings of inadequacy in their sexual relationships. Men also can have a decrease in their libido or sex drive, but this is less common with approximately 15 to 16% of the male population estimated to have a loss in their interest in sex.
Women, on the other hand, tend to have more problems with low sex drive or loss of libido. It’s estimated that approximately 30 to 40% of all females over the age of puberty will have some time in their life where they have little or no interest in sex.
Often this is hormonal in nature and may coincide with pregnancy, lactation, perimenopause or menopause.
For both men and women stress from work, financial problems, relationships, or family can all lead to a period of time where sex just isn’t seen as important, desirable or worth the effort.
However, research shows that couples that work together to redevelop their sexual relationship and intimacy are more likely to stay together, report being happier and also work through the problem that is causing the lack of desire for intimacy.
Men are actually more fortunate than women when it comes to being able to take a pill to help with erectile dysfunction or other sex related problems. Unless there is a health concern with sex or a possible conflict with other medications men tend to tolerate ED medications very well.
9. Unresolved conflicts in the relationship outside of the bedroom
Communication is key to a relationship and to a good sex life. If you can’t talk about things and work through issues that’s when hurtful events turn into bitter memories and resentment stores up.
It’s important to learn how to resolve an argument and the ground rules of fighting fair. It’s essential to talk honestly and openly so you can resolve problems. Avoiding problems and pretending everything is fine is not fine. When issues are not resolved they keep looping and coming back up again and again.
This one is a learned skill. You need to listen more than talk and listen to understand instead of listening to respond or to defend. You also need to be accountable for your part in a problem and be able to apologise to your partner when it’s necessary. An apology can go a long way but you have to do it the right way too.
If you apologise in a way that works for your partner then forgiveness is part of that process. Forgiveness is the antidote for resentment.
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10. We Don’t Have a Good Connection
Sex is much more satisfying when there is an emotional connection with their partner. It is true that this component of sexual intimacy is more important to women than men, but men also want to have a strong emotion bond with their mate if they are in the relationship for the duration.
Forming this emotional connection with the other person takes effort, planning and commitment to each other, but the pay off is a very strong emotional connection that translates into a strong desire for each other physically and intimately.
In addition to increasing and sustaining desire, having a strong emotional bond allows more personal freedom within the relationship.
Couples are more likely to try new sexual ideas, work harder to please their partner and strive to keep the physical part of the relationship front and center.
11. There’s no affection in our relationship
This is one of the biggest complaints I hear as a Marriage Counsellor. People ask me, “How do I go from absolutely nothing – no contact, no talking, no affection to having sex?”
The truth is some people don’t need any touching or affection to be able to have sex with the partner. But others need to have something that bridges the gap from nothing to something. I can see where they’re coming from.
Look, it’s all important and there is no one size fits all or a magic recipe for success. Everyone has different needs but thats the point of being in a relationship with your partner. You know them. Or at least you’re trying to get to know them. Don’t become strangers because you’re busy or distracted.
Human contact is a need that everyone has. This includes both mental and physical contact with others. Sex is the most intimate of that type of physical contact, but also the most satisfying.
To increase your sex life start adding a bit more casual touching in your relationship, you will be amazed at the results.
One thing I will add though is not everyone feels comfortable with public displays of affection so you want o make sure your partner is ok with when and where you are being affectionate with them.
Socially appropriate types of touching between couples include:
- Holding hands
This is a very traditional way for couples to remain in close physical contact with each other. Try adding a subtle stroking motion with your thumb or fingers on the other person’s hand and see the response that you get.
- Hands on the arm or leg
A gentle and brief touch on the knee, upper leg or the forearm can be a very romantic gesture. You should also maintain eye contact as much as possible when you make the gesture; this combines both an emotional message as well as the physical contact.
- Arms around the waist or shoulders
Similar to a hand hold, couples often link arms around their waists or their shoulders to bring their bodies closer together. Try adding a gentle rub on the arm or a slow movement of the hand down the waist or hips to add to the sensuality of the touch.
- Kissing
Kissing, without becoming to extreme, is a socially acceptable way to show your love and desire for your partner or spouse. Just don’t get too carried away, especially in work environments as it may actually cause your partner to be uncomfortable or even resentful of the attention. Talking about what is OK and what isn’t and want both of your comfort levels are with regards to kissing is an important conversation to have.
- Stroking the face or neck
Reaching over to run and gentle hand down your partner’s cheek or neck is a very sexy move that is also subtle and very appropriate. Again, eye contact will enhance the mood and clearly send an “I want you” signal.
Some of these issues are perfectly normal and a part of a long-term relationship. People do fall into a comfortable pattern of intimate relationships or even slowly move away from sexual intimacy.
Conclusion
This is a 2 part blog so if you didn’t read part one you can click here to read: 11 Reasons why couples don’t have sex part one.
As I’ve said before sex and intimacy are an important part of a relationship. Of course it doesn’t mean you don’t love each other if you don’t have sex. However it can bring a much deeper connection and closeness between you and your partner.
If you struggle with a low sex drive you should check out the Increase Your Sex Drive Program.
